I got fired

so expect much less now that I'm not sitting at a desk anymore. Praise Allah!

Things I can't stop laughing hysterically at

Things that make you go "Awwwwwww"

It's Friday...

And I am gonna fuck the shit out of this weekend. You hear me weekend?? I'M A'COMIN' A GIT YA!!!! First I'm gonna get all up in your face. Then, I'm gonna headbutt you right in the Friday. After that, you'll probably be all "ooooh, waaaaaaahhhh! Why you go and do that???" And I'll be all like "I'm sorry weekend...I'M SORRY YOU'RE SUCH A PUSSY!" And then I'll grab it by the Saturdays and squeeeeeeeze as hard as I can.

You know what? I'm tired of writing. I'm going to go home now. Have a good weekend. I know I'm gonna,

Holy fuck we're all so fucking fucked!!!

I knew it. I fucking knew it!!!! See? SEE???? I'm not the only one that thinks we're being poisoned by the government with RAINBOWS!

How is babby formed?

Hippies Smoke Weed

In case you can't get enough of him here, Orin now has his own shitty blog.

Hippies Smoke Weed

Things I can't stop laughing at (droopy Thursday Edition)

Baby Preacher

Gotta love that NYPD

Fucking Camping as Fuck!

Went camping this weekend with my dis-functional family of bro's. General mayhem ensued. We drank a fuck load of beer and managed to alienate an entire small town. Good job, fellas. I think when Orin fell in the fire a certain precedent was set.

Peep the pics, dude.

No Homo

This is a blog entry

This is a blog entry for maryann. Hopefully she will shut up and stop bothering me to post stuff on my blog. Frankly I just haven't felt like writing anything lately. Couple that with the fact that I've been pretty busy at work...hey, you know what? That's no excuse. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY, MARYANN!! I've let you down.

Thank you for giving me the kick in the ass I needed to continue this thankless endeavor. Thank you.

You've probably already seen it...

but fuck if it didn't make me pee my pants.

Things I can't stop laughing at (Tuesgay edition))

Twink Tanked

MANBABY!!!!!!!!!!!

There it is again!!

Once again the BBC has trotted out that shitty marijuana file photo. Can't they get a picture of actual weed? It really detracts from the credibility of a story when the photo used to illustrate it is of pine needles and garden clippings.

And the story? Are you serious??

Read here: Skunk 'psychosis risk' warning

Bitch Bitch Bitch Moan Bitch

Yesterday was the first show of the year at everyones favorite crappy abandoned pool cum crappy live music venue. And I must say, the choice of acts were, uh...crappy. The hold steady was exceptionally crappy. Overall it was a crappy experience with crappy overpriced($6) beers and crappy weather. Crap crap crap! So I went to Mugs for a beer and some hot wings. And guess what?? My wings were crappy too. Crappy weekend I hate you.

Devo was awesome yesterday...

even though I wasn't really at the show. Actually I was at the track directly across the street from where they played. As I began my run, they began they're set. I couldn't tell who was going on until I heard the classic synth arpeggio of "That's Good", my favorite Devo song. You could hear them perfectly. They blazed through all their classics as my friends and I clocked mile after mile. When we were wrapping up our workout, they wrapped up their set. We couldn't have timed it any better. All in all I have to say, having Devo playing live as your personal workout soundtrack is pretty fucking cool in my book.

Great fucking video of the day: The BPA featuring David Byrne and Dizzee Rascal

Russian Winnie the Pooh pwns

Only in New York

This morning, as I was locking my bike to a signpost outside of my office, a cop standing nearby started yelling something at me. Half asleep, half dazed from my commute i strained to figure out what she was babbling about. It became apparent that she was ordering me to come over to her. As I made my way over I tried to figure out which law I had just broken. She met me half way and led me by my arm to a row of newspaper boxes. On the front page of a few of these papers was something about baseball. I don't watch baseball. I know nothing about baseball. I could give a shit about baseball. She then went off on a tirade about the Yankees (or was it the Mets?), all the while babbling incoherently and pointing at the newspaper box.

At this point I'm thoroughly confused. I kind of just nod and start to back away slowly--repeating things like "yeah, contract" and "that's totally fucked up how those guys did that thing your mad about". I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. So I threw up my arms in a "whatcha gonna do about that baseball stuff" gesture, and told the obviously mentally unstable cop to have a good morning. Just as I did the light changed, and I was left standing next to this cop I had just said goodbye to. I crossed the street anyways and nearly got taken out by one of those shitty double decker tourist busses.

So what's the moral of this story? Fuck if I know. Just let it be known to all baseball fans out there, just because I'm a New Yorker doesn't mean I care about your stupid game. And dear New York, stop giving fucking lunatics badges and guns.

Slow motion babies are fucking creepy

Things I can't stop laughing at #2 (TGIF edition!)

As you may or may not know, I work in advertising. More specifically, I'm a copywriter. At my particular agency we have a lot of shitty clients--mostly pharmaceutical companies. To an advertising creative this type of work is like fucking kryptonite. It drains you of all hope and energy and eventually destroys you (or at least your career.)

Luckily I haven't really had to touch this soul-destroying material much. But unfortunately, a lot of good creatives have to. So what do you do to keep yourself sane in light of all this spirit crushing work? You make the most of it. You have fun with it. That's exactly what my buddy Dave did for this drug shoot. And for that, I can't stop laughing.

I think the garden one is my fave.

Kids n' Guns!!

When I turned 12 my dad took me to a shooting range for my birthday. I got to shoot a Beretta, 38 special, and a 357 magnum. Thanks, dad. I had a rad time, and it was one of the best birthdays ever. But fuck, what the hell did these kids do to deserve such an awesome gift?

I have nothing to blog about today...

but that doesn't mean I have nothing to offer. Ladies and gentlemen, Cats that look like Wilfred Brimley.

Coney Island Bris

Wrote that shit, played that shit. Easy peezy, nice and sleazy. Peep it.

FAGGOT!

I can't get enough of this word lately. Faggot. FAGGOT!!!! I'm not a homophobe or anything, but I just love whipping this word out any chance I get. Something about the way it flies out of your mouth like a bullet when you say it a certain way--it's intoxicating! Couple it with the word "fucking" and it gets that much better. FUCKING FAGGOT!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh.

Fucking chillin'

SHRED TOOOZADAY

Slow day at work...

I keep trying to perform finger puppet shows for my friends over ichat video but everyone keeps declining my invitation to chat.

Their loss...

Bad Marks

Have you ever really stopped to appreciate the bathroom wall at your local bar? It really is a thing of beauty. When all the various scrawlings start to encroach on the last bit of negative space, a synergy is created. Hundreds of tags, thoughts, poems and insults become one giant snapshot of that given area's collective conscious. It truly captivates me every time I pull my weenie out in a public rest room.

This really has nothing to do with what I wrote up top, but lookie at this here funny picture of someone's shitty tag getting a bad grade...

Sleeping with lions

Last night I dreamt that I was sleeping on the Serengeti plane. Yeah, that's right, I was dreaming about sleeping, only it was in Africa and I was outside. How fucking weird is that? Anyways, at some point a lion came along and plopped down on top of me and went to sleep too. I woke up (in the dream) and was trying to unpin myself from beneath it when it woke up and began growling at me. I was pushing on its face, trying to get it off, but it was to heavy. I was obviously pissing it off because it began snarling louder. It was fucking terrifying. When I woke up in real life it turned out that instead of a growling lion pinning me to the ground I had a 105 pound Japanese girl on top of me--snoring right in my fucking face. True story.

My neighbors hate me

This weekend I rang in the summer with the most crucial BBQ my awesome ass backyard has ever seen. It was a bro-down of epic proportions fo sho. Fucking Swilly Nelson even came out of hibernation to bless the Council with the means in which to re-affirm our bro-hood. So yeah, chack out the Flickr set right here.

Flosstrawackass

So I went to the Flosstradamous show at Studio B last night. Wow, that shit sucked. I made it in time to catch the last three vomit inducing songs by opening band, Tiger Shitty. Talk about absolute fucking shit. I knew they were bad going in because I checked them out on the myspace beforehand. Live was a whole different story. Not only were they infuriating to listen to, they were annoying to look at too.

And then came Flosstradamous...

I probably would have enjoyed their set if I was still in high school. That way all the shit 90's jock jams they were playing would have possessed some sort of retro allure for me. Alas they didn't. They just reminded me of being forced to listen to the radio as I worked some shit job growing up. I like to dance. I just can't justify dancing to the songs that made me want to shove an icepick in my ear when i was in my late teens, early 20's. Either that or I just wasn't drunk enough. Yeah, that's probably all it was.

I'm Sorry

Dear Blog,

I'm so very sorry to have neglected you these past weeks. Like the dog I had as a child that turned out to be more responsibility than I had bargained for, you too are an endeavor which I sometimes wish I had never undertaken.

Unfortunately, in these short months since your inception you've acquired a small but loyal following. If I was to pull the plug on this whole operation, I would not only let down those 15 or 20 people who rely on you for up to date coverage of breaking news, I would also be letting myself down. So your legacy continues...for now.



R

Whose butt do I have my finger in now???

Why it's none other than fellow blogger Beverly of the most awesome Reality No Show super blog. It's crazy bloggy. Check it out.

Things I can't stop laughing at (TGIF edition!)

...but it's always funny!

Me+Work+Boredom+Imovie+Stock Footage=Genius

Things that make me laugh

MY NEW FETISH!!

Where has this been all my life? Up until now, every time I've looked at porn - be it gonzo, straight, scat, tranny or otherwise - I've always felt there was something else out there. You know, something that was gonna push the limits of eroticism and make my balls literally explode all over the room in a bloody, cummy slippery mess.

I always knew I would know it when I saw it, and guess what? I just saw it.

If you get off on shitty photoshop jobs of naked girls being squeezed until they piss, shit and cum themselves to death as much as i do, you're gonna love this.

Shoulda seen the other guy

Check out my sweeeeeeet new black eye I got this weekend. Second one in the last 2 months. My co-workers officially think I'm going to snap any moment and beat them up. Oh, they scared!!

Like you care (sniff)

Mmmm, babies...

The art of looking awkward

Check out cartoonist John "Robot Johnny" Martz's rendering of his mom's entire 1968 yearbook right here. Pretty cool stuff.

Read the Boing Boing article here

Holy shit! The worst rap battle EVER!

Holy fucking shit holy fucking shit hoooooooooly fucking shit!!!! Peep this Atlanta high school public access style rap battle. The first guy is terrible but the second guy...WHOA!!!! Is he retarded? I think he's retarded. You be the judge!

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?

About 6 years ago, when I was living in Clinton Hill, I was given a flyer as I passed by one of the local churches. It was forsome sort of live appearance by some dude named BibleMan. He looked kinda like a RoboCop cum Power Ranger. I laughed all the way home where I posted the flyer on my fridge.

Then years later I come to find out that BibleMan wasn't just some shitty character dreamed up by some shitty Brooklyn church. He has his own damn TV show!

Fuck that!

If your familiar with porn (lord knows I am) then you've probably heard of the company Evil Angel, run by John "Buttman" Stagliano. Hailed as the father of the "gonzo" genre, his smut is consistently awesome and boner inducing.

Apparently Buttman is facing some very serious federal obscenity charges for a couple of his films that aren't even that obscene (relative to a lot of the other stuff that's out there). It seems the Feds have arbitrarily decided to start thumping their bibles again for the good of the American public.

Now you may not watch porn or you may not give a shit, but I find these developments deeply disturbing, as this is an industry in which I eventually want to make a living. Ha, bet you didn't know I wanted to be a porn producer. But yeah, that's actually a genuine goal for me--to produce my own brand of awesome smut.

Anyhoo, if you want to read the article, you can find it here. And you can bet your sweet round ass I'll be following this one very closely.

Things that make me laugh

Teee heeeee!


Peep da rest

Soweeee!

I had a crazy dream last night that I was at a yard sale for some dead Archaeologist. I found some old manuscript which I attempted to read aloud, and in doing so I opened the gates of hell and brought about the beginning of hell on earth. Woops!

This dream seemed like it went on all night. It was crazy! After I opened the gates of hell there was a giant ball rolling around running people over. People were sticking to the sides of it, moaning and hollering and shit. The more people it rolled over the bigger it got until it was like 8 fucking miles high! I got caught up in it but manage to get off at some point.

That's when I met a couple of people who were part of some rebel group fighting against satan. They ran a restaurant in an area that apparently hadn't been affected by the whole hell on earth thing. They offered me a job in the kitchen. I took it. The catch was it was a 3 day trek through the woods because we couldn't use the roads. Apparently there were satanic robotic sentinels patrolling the paths looking for us. They were called Dave-Bots. They all looked like some goofy looking guy named Dave who had a goofy ass mustache and a dumb haircut. Don't let their appearance fool you though, they were very bad dudes. There were skinhead droids looking for us too but they just drank beer and circle pitted most of the time. Pretty harmless.

That's where things get a little fuzzy. I recall offing a Dave-Bot with a sniper rifle, my roomate dressed like a ninja and working for Satan, and losing one of my shoes. There were lot's of guns and blood and shit. Overall a pretty rad dream. 2 Thumbs up!

While I'm on the subject of Japan...

How the hell did this one slide by? Apparently this is from some young parenting magazine - an article about "papa's image training" or some shit. He he he.

Beaks!

That's right, it's the snack that bites you back! Hey-oooooooooo!!!!

My friend was visiting from Japan and she brought with her many strange and wonderful snacks. The one that I found to be the most disturbing of the bunch was a big ol'bag full of squid beaks. That's right, beaks. They look just like parrot beaks wrapped in strange oily meat. But unlike the crabs I wrote about previously, these things are fucking delicious. It's kinda like making out with a bird, except instead of kissing you just bite its face off. Yum!

Little Tards Plan Teachers Demise!

The only way this story would have been better is if they actually pulled it off. Holy shit, what is the world coming to?

Little Tards Plan Teachers Demise!

Shred Bundy Goes North

So this past weekend we all hopped into Satan's ice cream truck and took a ride up to good ol' freezing-ass Worcester, Mass. Good times ensued, as the pictures and video will attest. Check em' out...

Ohhhhhhh, Oh ohhhh, Pics Here!

Los emos maricos! Je je je je!

I think I did it agaiiiiiiin...

I wrote a song today while I was in the shower. Actually, I write songs about showering everyday while showering. It's what I do. And If I get laid before I shower, the song is that much more better. Don't know why, that's just the way it goes.

Today I got out of the shower and realized that I had forgotten to wash the conditioner out of my hair. Musical radness ensued.

This one kind of sounds like Meatloaf if you can imagine a melody in your head while reading the lyrics. Here's the first (and only) few lines:

I think I did it again!
I left the conditioner in my hair.
I've got a greasy, waxy, slippery mess up there.
And I don't think I'll make it this time
whoa no! I don't think I'll make it this time!

Pretty cool, eh?? I think so. And I fucking hate Meatloaf - the food AND the singer. But that's a whole 'nother blog entry.

I just don't feel like bloggin'

So I won't. Screw you.

Everybody Loves Raymond's Big Black Dick

Saw this one on the 6 train, coming home yesterday. Couldn't stop laughing, felt like a 5 year old. Ahhhhh, genius.

Can't get enough o' that Lubin!

Due to the overwhelming response I've received about my previous 2 Lubin postings, I've decided to make the ol' Lubster a regular installment here at These Pythons are Sick.

Here he is typing or something. Look at him go, that bloody wanker. Hah hah heh!

Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming "The Many Faces of Lubin" calender, due out this spring.

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

When I saw the flyers around my office touting an "Irish breakfast" on St. Paddys Day I thought we would be getting drunk at 10 in the morning, not sick.

El Gnome del Muerte

I can't figure out which part cracks me up more, the way this thing walks or the way that sissy motherfucker screams at the end. Shit, it's probably just a viral spot for travelocity or something but I'm hoping it's real.

And the moral of the story is...

Dance Dance Rich Bundy Attacks Tokyo!

Lubin Update!

When asked about whether or not he took offense to being called a wanker, Lubin only had this to offer:

"I thank you for your concern. But I'm quite proud of it, actually.
I come from a long and distinguished line of wankers. Unfortunately, I have
2 daughters and no sons, so that long wank of centuries past ends with me
I'm afraid.

Would be grateful for any epitaph suggestions, eg. The wank stops here, etc,
etc."

I'm Bored

That's why I'm blogging about my co-workers. This is Lubin, He's a wanker he is.

I've Got Crabs

I brought these back from Japan because I thought it would make a good gag gift. Unfortunately the gag part was very true and the gift part just didn't happen - as in nobody would accept them.

No Homo, Yo

Lil' Wayne, how could you even begin to think this would be a good idea?? This dude is probably never going to hear the end of this one.

Thanks Trudy

Two Shred-tastic Shows This Week!!

UH-Oh!

Things I can't stop laughing at...

New Shred Bundy 7" Artwork

Drink it in, ooooh yeaaaaah...

My 2 cents...

Pennies - who the fuck needs them? I swear to god these little slivers of copper piss me off to no end. Seriously, why not just phase them out? We can round to the nearest number. IT'S NOT THAT HARD! And they're fucking BROWN! Who wants brown money? Not me.

In Japan the pennies or "1 Yen pieces" are so worthless that they fucking float. See? Even the stupid fountain won't accept your change.

My plan would be to take all the pennies in circulation and turn them into bullets. Then we could take all those bullets and shoot all the terrorists who are jealous of our freedom.

Maybe we could melt them all down and make one giant penny monument to commemorate the dumbest denomination of American currency to ever exist.

Or maybe I can just keep throwing them away like the garbage ass piece of shit hunks of doo doo that they are.

*radiculous photoshop job by Orin the Unmanageable

Oh God, more japanese shit.

No no wait, this is pretty fucking bizarre/cool. It's a vid of Marty Friedman of Megadeth playing with some traditional Japanese Enka singers. I guess ol' marty lives in Japan now and is doing a pretty good job of establishing himself as a resident novelty.

Wacky Japan trip video round-up!

Just some random videos I took on my point and shoot in japan. GIT SUM!

whoaaaa MRSA, MRSA meeeeeeee....

That staph infection on my leg I've been dealing with for the last 1.5 months...MRSA! Yeah, MRSA! Fucking super bug!! The kind that most drugs cannot treat. That shit is mad deadly and apparently melts your flesh until you turn into a puddle of gurgling pus. THAT MRSA!!

But luckily mine is responding to the antibiotics. Woot!

This is at about 7 days, before it turned into a gaping half inch hole in my leg. Good times!

Pretty gross, eh? Well get used to it. My doc says this shit is set to become the next plague when it inevitably becomes immune to our last line of antibiotics.

Death rides a pussy sore...

japan Trippin'

Well, here they are - the pictures of one of the most fun trips that I've taken to date. While I didn't experience the whole culture shock thing or being blown away by the weirdness of it all, Japan was by far one of the coolest places I've ever been.

How cool? Well let's just say I've decided to learn Japanese and eventually try my hand at living in there. Yes, I loved it so much I want to move there. From the far superior ass cleaning toilets, to the order and politeness of it all, I'm hooked. Toward the end of my trip I dreaded returning to New York. I didn't want to see the filth and deal with all the ghetto fuckheads that seem to be attracted to me like flies on shit. Ugh. But hey, this is my life.

Well anyways, I'm back. And as the sights and smells of that most awesome place fade from memory, I fall back into my routines, daydreaming, waiting for the moment when I can hop a plane back to the land of the rising sun (sniff).

JAPAN!!

I'm Back!

And that means I'm super busy catching up with work. But fret not, I'll have all my pics up real soon and be back bloggin' all up in this mutha like WHAT!