Fuck a staph infection

4 day new years eve weekend
+
1 nasty staph infection
+
500mg of Keflex 4 times a day
-
being able to drink
=
One extremely unhappy Rich

Just wanna get silly and beast out. Fuck it, tomorrow I go nuts!

Free them slavs!

Nothing both amuses and infuriates me more than bad bathroom graffiti. Which explains why I was both tickled and angered last night as I tried to squeeze the last drop of wee wee out of my pee pee.



Wha..uh...AAAAAAAAARG! What does it mean!!!???

Ok, I understand that it used to say slaves, and someone scratched it out so it says "slavs". That part amuses me. But what country is that supposed to be? Is it the United States? If it is, it's fucking backwards. WTF? What slaves are you talking about? Is this much deeper that I'm reading into it? Is there some heavy symbolism going on here?

So many questions, so little answers.

The bottom line here is that some shithead, at some point in time, was straddling the toilet in this crappy bar bathroom, with their toungue sticking out the side of their mouth, with what was undoubtedly the most intense look of concentration ever as they scrawled this mystery turd on the wall.

Well congratulations, shithead. You win.

I'm stumped.

----UPDATE-----

I went back to the same bar bathroom tonight to find myself some answers. What I found damn near blew my mind.

Turns out the "them" in "Free Them Slavs" was actually originally a "the". Truth be told, people, I'm floored. Upon closer inspection I noticed that presumably the same person who turned "slaves into "slavs" also added an "M" to "the". Still Following? That would mean the original graffiti said "free the slaves". Now that is straight fucking dumb. Thank god that second fellow had the wherewithal to unsheath his ballpoint and make a difference.

----UPDATE UPDATE-----

Turns out I was right. I spotted more "free the slaves" scrawlings in the other bar bathroom. It's not an isolated incident. Somebody thinks this is a neat thing to write on walls, perhaps it will stoke some deep thought in whoever happens to scan over it as they snort the last bump off the end of their house key.

------UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE--------

HOLY SHIT I JUST GOT IT!!! FREE THE SLAVES!!

Turds=slaves. "I have to go free the slaves" eh, EH?? That still doesn't explain the country illustration. perhaps it was the elusive second writer.

Anyways, I've talked about this enough. Good night.

---BUMMER OF THE WEEK---

Life is full of bummers. From spilling coffee all over your dick at at 9 in the morning to that dead kitty I saw in front of Rockefeller Center today - what total bummers!

That's why I'm starting my new "Bummer of the Week" weekly installment.

So what's this weeks bummer you ask? Well, lemme holla at you. This weeks bummer of the week iiiiiiiiiiiiiiis............

Today's assassination of former Pakistani Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto.

C'mon guys, definitely kind of a babe. Definitely dead. Definitely a complete and total bullshit bummertime bummer.

Uhhh, hmmm yeah, that'll work

Here's one for the "you're a fucking retarded lazy-ass" file...

Check out Con-Edison's weird solution to what I can only guess were unstable light posts. I can just imagine the conversation they had before going through with this...

"Mr. Mayor! These light posts are unstable! If we don't do something to reinforce them now, lives could be hanging in the balance!

"I see. Get our best engineers on this, STAT!"

"Uhhhh, they're all at an electrical engineer conference in Vegas. How about that retarded janitor that works in the garage?"

"Whatever it takes, MAN! We need to keep these people SAFE!!!"

Yes, that's exactly what went on. And as you can see, the results are not only rock-solid safe, but they're also a feat of engineering genius AND aesthetically pleasing...

All up in ur philliamsburg

Peep the pics (in no specific chronological order), last weekend was a hoot...

http://picasaweb.google.com/dopekiks/Philly

Locked out

Well Mr. Blog, I must say that it's been quite the nutty week. Of course I couldn't give you a real-time blow by blow because I was LOCKED OUT OF MY FUCKING COMPUTER!

Really, it's a long story for which I will not bore you with the details, but it basically goes like this:

Turned on the security password on my mac, forgot password, remembered password yesterday in a dream. IN A FUCKING DREAM!!

Subconscious: 1, Conscious Conscience: 0

Crazy? not really. Interesting? Probably not. Do I care?? Mmmmmm, no.

Pics from philly coming soon...

Dancing good, dance GAY!

I went to Galapagos tonight and accidentally witnessed what I can only describe as the word stupid brought to life and laid out before me in all of its tangible wonder.

What I saw was some douche in his underwear lurching around on the floor, squealing and and hacking up fur balls, set to a oh-so-fucking shitty soundtrack of feedback and white noise. His only prop was a white sheet which he did all kinds of dumb stuff with. At one point he crawled inside it, no doubt a gesture toward his wish to return to the womb or some gay shit like that. Apparently this was an actual scheduled performance. Mmmm hmmm.

Aside from the cunt in his skivvies, the part that really killed me was the guy making the noise/music? His laser-like focus and look of ultra-concentration seemed more fitting of a brain surgeon rather than some jerk letting an amp feedback. Oh well.

And of course i didn't have a camera. ALWAYS CARRY A CAMERA! My friend Kaori took some pics though, so maybe eventually you'll be able to put a face to this atrocious display of shittyness.

So what's my point here? Fuck, I dunno. Just thought you might find it amusing. No? Well fuck you then!

PS. Dancing is good, dance is GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Halal at meh!

In the area of Manhattan that I work, good and cheap places to eat are few and far between. So occasionally I'm forced to partake in some of the wonderful and sketchy treats that are pedaled out of those ubiquitous steaming silver food carts that populate at least every other corner in this cultural black hole known as midtown.

Usually I hit up Rafiqi's. Recently they won the Vendy awards (or some shit like that.) But today Ben convinced me to try that no name shit cart on Park and 50th. Here is my review of the chicken and lamb combo:



Price: $5

Portion: Not as big as Rafiqi's

Chicken to lamb to rice ratio: 20/10/70

Rice: Tasted weird. Thought I saw a severed finger in the rice bin.

Overall rating: Fuck that place

+++++UPDATE++++++++

Feeling a little sick, headache, cant think straight. Thanks, street meat...

hahahahahahah fucking hahahahahah!!!!!!

This is WAR!

Nothing raises ones profile like a good ol' fashioned Beef.

Shit, Fiddy did it, Ja Rule, Cannabis, LL Cool J, Jay-Z - all high profile spats that started for one reason. Not because they didn't like each other, not because someone said something about someone elses momma.

Nope, sorry.

These Beefs were fabricated by the secret society of LOLcats. Why? Because the fucking LOLcats are running shit! I can has absolute power???? OPEN YOU EYES, MAN!

Look, I'm not gonna get into this immensely complex and sinister plot, but just let it be known that beefs between artists translate into record sales. Record sales translate into money. Money translates into POWER. ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME, PEOPLE????

Good.

Now I'm not a rapper, probably never will be, but I do know how to stir up some shit. That said, I'm officially putting the dis out on my art director, Ben and his stupid fucking, uber gay- ass blog "blawgur.blogspot.com". Can he bite my shit any harder?? I star a blog, he starts a blog. C'mon dude get a fucking life! Ugh....

Rats off to ya

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) -- Researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia have discovered a giant rat and a tiny possum that are apparently new to science, underscoring the stunning biodiversity of the Southeast Asian nation, scientists said Monday.


Oooooooh a big fucking rat? Yes, that is a big fucking rat, but giant?? C'mon, these scientists have obviously never hit the drive-thru at the White Castle on Myrtle Ave. around 3AM. THOSE are some beeeeeg fuggin rats!

Hey scientists! Get back to me when you discover some new species of LOLrat. HAHAHAHAHA!!! LOLrat!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE??????? "I CAN HAS PLAGUE"?? aaaaaaahhhhhh, jesus fucking christ....

I need some lunch.

I can has blog?

Yes Richie, you can has blog.

So, it's come down to this - so bored at work that I'm forced to enter the blogosphere and do some fucking blogging. Blog blog blog blog!!! Well Mr. Blog, I promise I'll rarely write in you and probably neglect you to the point where I don't even remember opening this account.

That said, here's what to expect from what will soon be known as the blogiest blog to ever exist in the blogoverse:

Cats. Lot's of stupid shit about cats. Why? Because I think cats are fucking funny. Better yet, people who think cats are funny are pretty fucking funny to me. Actually, fuck cats.

Hmmmm, lemme see, what else...

Maybe some shit about food? I eat food. I like it a lot. Had some ramen today...ugh, nevermind, that's actually pretty boring. Fuck!

Ok ok ok, stop putting me on the spot! I'll blog about whatever i damn well feel like biggetty blogging about.

So fuck you, stay tuned and go eat an invisible sandwich or something.